Stephenglass Retires but Fear Not. 

From the Jeenyus who brought you Proper Satire... and hits like as 32 flavors and dim sum and "Sensless and Gullability comes www.morrisless.com  (the site should be up and running soon) the "critix" said,

"You are a very funny person." louissa'

"I enjoy your entries. Verry well spoken. It's refreshing to read something intelectual once in a while." Storybook Eyes

"Someone has to much time on hi hands." cithian 18

"I think you are really funny-youshould seriously think about finding an ave. to use your creative humor." darlenes

"You are cracking me up." rescued one

"Did you find jumper cables tues. night?"  miss be

"Your so funny j." Maria Bonita

"You crack me up man!" hannahfomanana

"You are indeed a handsome jew." thenatsarecomingtheyare

check out www.morrisless.com coming to a personal pc near you. Well I mean I assume that if you are reading this you are near a computer. Unless your brain is wired directly to the internet, oooooooor your some kind of telepath and your reading my mind right now. Ahhhhhhh! get out of my head, and onto www.morrisless.com Well not yet but soon.

Forget your daughters lock up you vehicles.

Husband: Trot, trot, trot, clipedy, clopedy, you know what that is?

Wife: The sound of an idiot making noises with his tongue? (Sarcastically)

No, it’s the sound of pure genius.

What are you talking about?

The Amish, their geniuses, that whole horse and buggy thing is brilliant. Think about it no speeding tickets, no flat tires, no dead batteries, no expensive ga…

Ok “Jebediah” if you want our next vehicle to be a horse and buggy its fine with me, but I’m not going to be the one whose up at 4am feeding and clean up after it so you can leave by five and be to work by nine.

4am! (Picks up a news paper) Oh look honey the Auto mall is having a sale on Mazda’s.

I like most people often get frustrated with my vehicle. Between gas prices, tune ups, “minor” repairs that cost a major portion of your pay check, and so called little fender benders it can get overwhelming. Not to mention “speeding tickets, flat tires, and dead batteries.” And we pay month after month year after year for the (in) convenience of an automobile. There is nothing convenient about $250 for the payment, $100/ month for insurance, and another 30 bucks every time you re-fill the tank. I won’t even start to talk about the taxes we pay to keep the roads in good working condition.

Somehow through all this we have come to love the automobile and the freedom that comes with it. I remember being fifteen, counting the days before I could be behind the wheels of my moms SUV. In NH where I lived at the time you could legally drive with an adult at fifteen and a half. Little did my mom know some of my older “friends” had been giving me driving lessons in parking lots and back roads since I was fourteen. (Although, if you look at my driving record it didn’t seem to help)  My first accident was in drivers ed, I got pulled over the first time 3 months after having my license, (the red convertible I was driving didn’t help) which by the way I had to wait six months to get because I illegally drove 200 miles across South Dakota when my brother and I took a road trip from Boulder CO. – Albany NY.  My mother, all smiles, said, “So how much did you drive on the trip?” I answered, “About 200 miles, but it was flat and straight.” Dr. Mom turned into Dr. “I wish I could Hyde”, yelling that’s it you’re not getting your license for …um… six months. No joke instead of getting it in Aug. I waited until Feb. She said it would be my “Valentines Day” gift.

Four years, three cars, too many violations, and one piece of plastic later. I now realize why young men pay so much more for car insurance. And why when you wreck your Pastor’s wife’s car while on a missions trip to NC, reguardless of whose fault it really is the white Yankee kid from NH gets the $300 dollar ticket and has to mow lawns (while on the missions trip) for the next month to pay for it. Maybe getting up at four to shovel “hay” wouldn’t be so bad after all.  Always wear your seat belt and some times a helmet especially if you’re riding with me…did I mention the time I spun my roommate’s Jeep into a guard rail, or the time I ice skated away from an accident, or when I

j.

Satire-day Night Fever (or at least a bit of a temp)

What do you want to do?

Not sure, what did you have in mind?

Nothing really, maybe we should go somewhere.

Don’t you have home work?

C’mon man it’s Saturday I’ll do it tomorrow.

Where do you want to go?

Let’s go to Nova Scotia or something.

Isn’t that a little romantic? No offense bro but that whole long walk on the beach thing is better with a girl.

Yah your right, how about Cornwall or Ottawa?

Hold on man my phone is ringing.

(3 min later)

So what’s up?

Jared got his jeep stuck on a snow machine trail.

O’ gee I’d go with you but I’m in the middle of watching the Ninja Turtles, and Batman is on next.

We got time.

OK.

(40 min later)

So where did he say he was?

Some where on this road?

We have been driving in circles for like an hour.

It’s only been 20 min.

Whatever.

(4 people, 3 jeeps, 2 cold, wet, feet and an hour later)

So what are you guys up to today?

We were thinking about going out to eat somewhere.

Cool.

Yah, you want to go to Cornwall with us, we’ll take you out for your birthday or something.

I call you and let you know.

OK.

(2 hours and 1 nap and a package of Ramen Noodles later)

Jared said he wants to go to red lobster.

In Cornwall

No Watertown

Cool

(3 friends 2 hours and 1 jeep later)

This whole being allergic to shell fish thing sucks and the “and turf” part of the menu is not exactly voluminous.

Ok boys what can I get for you?

We’ll take a sea food sampler and 2 lobster dinners.

And you?

I um will have the steak please.

Steak and scampi it is.

No just the steak please, Med. Rare.

OK

(3 dinners 2 satisfied customers and 1 large check later.)

I hate this place; I wish she would come back and ask how every thing was so I could tell her what I really think.

How is every thing tonight boys?

Great yah everything is really good.

And you sir?

(Arms folded, slumped with a scowl) Fine.

Way to tell her off J.

Shut up.

(On our way out the door)

Excuse me miss, why are the lobsters in the tank separated?

Oh, well you see we keep the fat and skinny one’s separated. Fat one’s on the small side and skinny ones get to swim around.

Huh so its kind of like high school, hide that fat one’s out of the way in some small corner while those darn cheerleaders get to go to the beach and run free.

J. are we still talking about lobster, or did you have weight problems in high school.

Shut up. Let’s go, if we hurry we can catch Saturday Night Live. Oh, and can we get a gallon of Ice cream on the way home.

j.

I Just Got Mugged by Peter Pan…and he stole my maturity

What do you want to be when you “grow up” at what age are you “grown up”? When you are a child you always know exactly what you want to be, often it changes on a daily basis, but at least your answer is never, “I don’t know”. When I was young I wanted to be a “coat hanger”, and I don’t mean the guy who takes your coat at those really nice restaurants. I’m talking about the wooden or plastic thing you keep in your closet to hang your coats on.  As I got older I wanted to make cartoons or comics or computer animation until I was seriously lacking artistic ability. Well, unless you count being able to draw ninja turtle stick figures artistic ability. Before you know it I’m in my senior year of high school and I have applied to four schools for four different things, Culinary Arts, Eng, Radio Broadcasting, and Bible. I figured which ever school accepted me there would be my decision. They all accepted me! Great, now what am I supposed to now I have to make a decision. 3 semesters and $2,500 later I’m “done” with Bible School and back at sq. 1. After a year of working crummy min. wage jobs I realize it is time to go back to school. My major…liberal arts. That’s right, you would think by now I have had so much time to think about my life that I would have a room full of white boards containing every step for the next 25 years. Sometimes I wish I could be that little boy again the one who knew exactly what he wanted to be and didn’t care if it was “practical” or “made sense”. Unfortunately the coat hanging 101 course was full so for now I am pursuing business marketing, and advertising. But don’t be surprised if you open your closet one day and find your favorite leather jacket draped over a pleasant Jew.

To my young readers-What are you going to be and why?

To my older readers-What did you want to be and what did you become?

To all-“For I have learned in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content”…not complacent

We all have gifts and passions. Life is to short have regrets and just long enough to make an impact.  

j.