stephenglass's Xanga

Monday, April 11, 2005

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 01:31:16 GMT

WWW.MORRISLESS.COM

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 03:27:50 GMT

Stephenglass Retires but Fear Not.

From the Jeenyus who brought you Proper Satire... and hits like as 32 flavors and dim sum and "Sensless and Gullability comes www.morrisless.com (the site should be up and running soon) the "critix" said,

"You are a very funny person." louissa'

"I enjoy your entries. Verry well spoken. It's refreshing to read something intelectual once in a while." Storybook Eyes

"Someone has to much time on hi hands." cithian 18

"I think you are really funny-youshould seriously think about finding an ave. to use your creative humor." darlenes

"You are cracking me up." rescued one

"Did you find jumper cables tues. night?" miss be

"Your so funny j." Maria Bonita

"You crack me up man!" hannahfomanana

"You are indeed a handsome jew." thenatsarecomingtheyare

check out www.morrisless.com coming to a personal pc near you. Well I mean I assume that if you are reading this you are near a computer. Unless your brain is wired directly to the internet, oooooooor your some kind of telepath and your reading my mind right now. Ahhhhhhh! get out of my head, and onto www.morrisless.com Well not yet but soon.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 16:45:39 GMT

Forget your daughters lock up you vehicles.

Husband: Trot, trot, trot, clipedy, clopedy, you know what that is?

Wife: The sound of an idiot making noises with his tongue? (Sarcastically)

No, it’s the sound of pure genius.

What are you talking about?

The Amish, their geniuses, that whole horse and buggy thing is brilliant. Think about it no speeding tickets, no flat tires, no dead batteries, no expensive ga…

Ok “Jebediah” if you want our next vehicle to be a horse and buggy its fine with me, but I’m not going to be the one whose up at 4am feeding and clean up after it so you can leave by five and be to work by nine.

4am! (Picks up a news paper) Oh look honey the Auto mall is having a sale on Mazda’s.

I like most people often get frustrated with my vehicle. Between gas prices, tune ups, “minor” repairs that cost a major portion of your pay check, and so called little fender benders it can get overwhelming. Not to mention “speeding tickets, flat tires, and dead batteries.” And we pay month after month year after year for the (in) convenience of an automobile. There is nothing convenient about $250 for the payment, $100/ month for insurance, and another 30 bucks every time you re-fill the tank. I won’t even start to talk about the taxes we pay to keep the roads in good working condition.

Somehow through all this we have come to love the automobile and the freedom that comes with it. I remember being fifteen, counting the days before I could be behind the wheels of my moms SUV. In NH where I lived at the time you could legally drive with an adult at fifteen and a half. Little did my mom know some of my older “friends” had been giving me driving lessons in parking lots and back roads since I was fourteen. (Although, if you look at my driving record it didn’t seem to help) My first accident was in drivers ed, I got pulled over the first time 3 months after having my license, (the red convertible I was driving didn’t help) which by the way I had to wait six months to get because I illegally drove 200 miles across South Dakota when my brother and I took a road trip from Boulder CO. – Albany NY. My mother, all smiles, said, “So how much did you drive on the trip?” I answered, “About 200 miles, but it was flat and straight.” Dr. Mom turned into Dr. “I wish I could Hyde”, yelling that’s it you’re not getting your license for …um… six months. No joke instead of getting it in Aug. I waited until Feb. She said it would be my “Valentines Day” gift.

Four years, three cars, too many violations, and one piece of plastic later. I now realize why young men pay so much more for car insurance. And why when you wreck your Pastor’s wife’s car while on a missions trip to NC, reguardless of whose fault it really is the white Yankee kid from NH gets the $300 dollar ticket and has to mow lawns (while on the missions trip) for the next month to pay for it. Maybe getting up at four to shovel “hay” wouldn’t be so bad after all. Always wear your seat belt and some times a helmet especially if you’re riding with me…did I mention the time I spun my roommate’s Jeep into a guard rail, or the time I ice skated away from an accident, or when I

Monday, March 21, 2005

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 13:40:19 GMT

Satire-day Night Fever (or at least a bit of a temp)

What do you want to do?

Not sure, what did you have in mind?

Nothing really, maybe we should go somewhere.

Don’t you have home work?

C’mon man it’s Saturday I’ll do it tomorrow.

Where do you want to go?

Let’s go to Nova Scotia or something.

Isn’t that a little romantic? No offense bro but that whole long walk on the beach thing is better with a girl.

Yah your right, how about Cornwall or Ottawa?

Hold on man my phone is ringing.

(3 min later)

So what’s up?

Jared got his jeep stuck on a snow machine trail.

O’ gee I’d go with you but I’m in the middle of watching the Ninja Turtles, and Batman is on next.

We got time.

OK.

(40 min later)

So where did he say he was?

Some where on this road?

We have been driving in circles for like an hour.

It’s only been 20 min.

Whatever.

(4 people, 3 jeeps, 2 cold, wet, feet and an hour later)

So what are you guys up to today?

We were thinking about going out to eat somewhere.

Cool.

Yah, you want to go to Cornwall with us, we’ll take you out for your birthday or something.

I call you and let you know.

OK.

(2 hours and 1 nap and a package of Ramen Noodles later)

Jared said he wants to go to red lobster.

In Cornwall

No Watertown

Cool

(3 friends 2 hours and 1 jeep later)

This whole being allergic to shell fish thing sucks and the “and turf” part of the menu is not exactly voluminous.

Ok boys what can I get for you?

We’ll take a sea food sampler and 2 lobster dinners.

And you?

I um will have the steak please.

Steak and scampi it is.

No just the steak please, Med. Rare.

(3 dinners 2 satisfied customers and 1 large check later.)

I hate this place; I wish she would come back and ask how every thing was so I could tell her what I really think.

How is every thing tonight boys?

Great yah everything is really good.

And you sir?

(Arms folded, slumped with a scowl) Fine.

Way to tell her off J.

Shut up.

(On our way out the door)

Excuse me miss, why are the lobsters in the tank separated?

Oh, well you see we keep the fat and skinny one’s separated. Fat one’s on the small side and skinny ones get to swim around.

Huh so its kind of like high school, hide that fat one’s out of the way in some small corner while those darn cheerleaders get to go to the beach and run free.

J. are we still talking about lobster, or did you have weight problems in high school.

Shut up. Let’s go, if we hurry we can catch Saturday Night Live. Oh, and can we get a gallon of Ice cream on the way home.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 17:20:20 GMT

I Just Got Mugged by Peter Pan…and he stole my maturity

What do you want to be when you “grow up” at what age are you “grown up”? When you are a child you always know exactly what you want to be, often it changes on a daily basis, but at least your answer is never, “I don’t know”. When I was young I wanted to be a “coat hanger”, and I don’t mean the guy who takes your coat at those really nice restaurants. I’m talking about the wooden or plastic thing you keep in your closet to hang your coats on. As I got older I wanted to make cartoons or comics or computer animation until I was seriously lacking artistic ability. Well, unless you count being able to draw ninja turtle stick figures artistic ability. Before you know it I’m in my senior year of high school and I have applied to four schools for four different things, Culinary Arts, Eng, Radio Broadcasting, and Bible. I figured which ever school accepted me there would be my decision. They all accepted me! Great, now what am I supposed to now I have to make a decision. 3 semesters and $2,500 later I’m “done” with Bible School and back at sq. 1. After a year of working crummy min. wage jobs I realize it is time to go back to school. My major…liberal arts. That’s right, you would think by now I have had so much time to think about my life that I would have a room full of white boards containing every step for the next 25 years. Sometimes I wish I could be that little boy again the one who knew exactly what he wanted to be and didn’t care if it was “practical” or “made sense”. Unfortunately the coat hanging 101 course was full so for now I am pursuing business marketing, and advertising. But don’t be surprised if you open your closet one day and find your favorite leather jacket draped over a pleasant Jew.

To my young readers-What are you going to be and why?

To my older readers-What did you want to be and what did you become?

To all-“For I have learned in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content”…not complacent

We all have gifts and passions. Life is to short have regrets and just long enough to make an impact.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 17:41:33 GMT

Mic-mare on Main St.

On the corner of Market and Main there is a small coffee shop I frequent, not because I love coffee, but because I am what some might call a people watcher. Although, that has connotations of an indecisive stalker who isn’t choleric enough to decide on any one person to go after and thus spends day after day waiting for “the one” to pass him by. Excuse me did I say stalker, as I reread the above statement that sounds more like the young men from my local church than a sociopath. That however, is a rant I will save for a more appropriate time, back to coffee shops.

My apartment is directly above this coffee shop and often I can hear the live music pining through the floor boards in my bathroom. Last night as I walked past the shop I heard what I thought to be the melodious sounds of an upright piano being pounded with that rock and roll back beat I have come to enjoy. As I walked in I quickly realized I had been mistaken. It was rock and roll alright a classic Steve Tyler piece unfortunately it was being rendered more like William Hung. “Sing women sing for the years…” Please sir stop before the children tear. It was open mic night which started out as a way for local establishments to find weekend talent. And now it has become an event that makes karaoke look like “Star Search”.

This guy finishes his song and takes the sympathetic applause as an excuse from the audience to continue playing. Now don’t get me wrong he was a decent pianist but his vocals which he was showcasing so boldly with songs that were three or four notes out of his range could be likened to that of my drunken uncle Darrel at the family Christmas party. I have come to the conclusion that open mic night is a place where low talent “musicians” can perform for a low intellect or not so captive audience and receive praise from that audience either out of humor, or sheer stupidity. Either way the egos of talentless hacks are being encouraged to continue in their meaningless artistic existence as performers and my ears have to suffer. Thankfully an old friend called and then I was caught up in more pressing matters like clipping my toe nails.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 14:51:54 GMT

A Tail of Two Dummies

Two interesting stories in the news this week and for the first time in a long time they don't have to do with American Idol or the Jackson Case. First a former law enforcement official goes all "worlds’ craziest police chases" and puts four "nails" in his own coffin of incarceration. Then in England a man placidly took an axe to an acquaintance head in broad daylight, saying “He had it coming to him for 20 years.” When asked of his reason the man calmly replied “It’s complicated and personal.”

First of all I think this thing in Atlanta though tragic is being blown out of proportion. I think the whole thing is just a ploy to take America’s attention off Jackson for a while. Not that I’m complaining, if it means we don’t have see any more creepy images plastic face man I’ll watch news coverage of the Canadian Curling Competition.

As for our axe murderer, personal and complicated is a reason for breaking up with your girl friend not for killing someone. Personal and complicated is what you say to your boss with a deranged look in your eye when you want the day off. Didn’t these guys pay attention in “What to say to the Police when you get caught for doing a stupid crime in the middle of they day” Class? Obviously that is not the case.

P.S. Check our Teddybearshope to se where I got this whole "writing thing" from.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 13:34:35 GMT

Mario Game Over or Game Genie

Apparently American Idol top 12 finalist Mario quit for "personal family reasons" in his absence we get NICO back. I’m not sure if he is the most selfless sensitive man in the country or the smartest "playa" in the game. I think he quit the game while he was ahead, hoping to get the sympathetic support of America and land a "I'm so popular because everyone feels sorry for me" record deal. People love a guy with a story, and they love a happy ending. I would sign him right now and get him on Oprah, Letterman, and the Ellen Degenerous show.(I can't believe you thought that, you people are so judgemental) I can see it now action figures, video games, and a lifetime original movie. Props to my man Mario, and as Randy would say "Yo' man props for my dog boy". BRILLIANT!!!!

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Sat, 12 Mar 2005 17:01:26 GMT

Forget Metamussel...Regular is out.

(Announcer Voice)
Do you suffer from a normal, average, mundane, monotonous, b+, brokliesque common, peasantish existence? Are you tired of sitting around the house on Friday nights with nothing to do while all your friends are out having the time of their lives. Are you frustrated because the last date you had was when those hot pink stretch pants your wearing were still in style. If so the Philerpokets drug co. introduces IRREGLA. Its not just a drug, its a heaven sent miracle in a yellow gel coating. It will make you taller, smarter, sexier and more attractive. I will make interaction with the opposite sex flawless, and shoot you straight to the top of the corporate ladder. Thats right IRREGLA is the drug you have been waiting for. No more bore! You will be the hit of every party, and you will actually get invited to parties. Mens Health says "IRREGLA could even make a man out of Michael Jakson" Creepy trailer annoucer guy says, "It's an edge of your seat thrill ride.". Don Johnson says, "I miss being famous" Dr. Phil says "It's all about you! You have got to get Irregla. "So to put an end to everyday and turn mundane into mardi gras. Call 1-800-Irregla

Warning; use of IRREGLA and its lifestyle may cause headaches, diarrhea, upset stomach, cramps, bloating, hair loss, cancer, hangovers, STD's, death, and eternal damnation.

Don't buy into the hype.
Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 19:01:19 GMT

Slimersize Me

Italicized portions adapted from The Associated Press MSNBC

NEW YORK - Shifting the spotlight from french fries to fruit, McDonald's Corp. launched a new worldwide initiative Tuesday promoting healthy living — the latest effort by the world's largest restaurant chain to combat criticism of its food and business. The "It's what I eat and what I do ... I'm lovin' it" campaign includes television ads, new packaging, an updated Web site and a fresh series of Ronald McDonald videos teaching children how to eat well and stay active.

"We will use our size and strength to set an example," said CEO Jim Skinner. Adds featuring once famous, and semi famous athletes like tennis sensations Venus and Serena Williams’s sisters and Hockey Legend Wayne Gretzky to name a few. You can expect lots of "kid friendly images" like "snowboarding and jump roping" to complement the star athletes. Apparently even the greatest of McNopolies can only take so many lawsuits and documentaries. With all this negative publicity it’s starting to look like a Ross Parrott campaign lead by subway Jared and the unintentionally obese. McDonalds new "It’s what you eat, it’s what you do" campaign seems to be more like a counter strike mission than an attempt to save the metabolically challenged.

I’m not convinced that selling salads and apple sauce will help the public image of a corporation whose made its millions by having "America’s favorite fries" and being "Home of the Big Mac". People who eat at McDonalds know what there doing, if they wanted apple sauce they would have mugged a third grader. If you want fast food you go to McDonalds. Not to long ago Coke tried a similar marketing scheme. Changed the look, changed the taste, flashy marketing campaign, the whole deal. It was one of the worst revenue declines in the history of the company. Within the year Coke flip flopped back to its original formula boasting "Coca-Cola Classic". Retro style cans etc… America loved it, a huge money making venture for the corporation.

Be the best at what you do, stay consistent to who you are, and give the people what the want for a price they can afford. I think this is a bad move for McDonalds as a fast food business. Americans are creatures of habit, when you start substituting "America’s favorite fries" for "America’s favorite fruit cup" You destroy their trust. What can they expect next, tofu Big Macs and double veggie soy cheese burgers? Keep it up and they might have to change their slogan to "bad a bum ba ba I’m chucking it"